SKILLS THAT CAN BE DEVELOPED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH COUPLE THERAPY
Having a happy relationship is a fundamental expectation for many couples. Think about it: what qualities do you believe a relationship must have for you to call it "happy"? Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman have been working on the answer to this question for over 40 years and have developed an approach based on their findings. In this article, I will discuss the information offered by Gottman Couple Therapy and the essential characteristics needed to maintain a happy relationship—what they call being a “master of relationships.”
WHAT IS THE STRONG RELATIONSHIP HOUSE?
Imagine a house: seven stories tall with two columns. Each level and column of this house represents qualities that summarize happy relationships across three fundamental areas. Happy couples, whom we can call relationship masters, excel in these three areas. They are couples who can keep their closeness, interest, and friendship strong, manage conflicts effectively, and create a shared meaning that allows them to enjoy their lives together.
WHAT DOES THE STRONG RELATIONSHIP HOUSE INCLUDE?
1. Creating Love Maps
This means that couples know each other well (not just think they do) and are aware of each other's inner worlds (such as sorrows, worries, strengths, weaknesses, goals, dreams, favorite movies, music, close friends, life stories, etc.).
2. Sharing Interests and Affection
This stage focuses on closeness and respect in the relationship, ensuring that partners feel loved and valued. When partners express their love, admiration, respect, and interest towards each other, and communicate this clearly, the relationship becomes even stronger.
3. Turning Towards Each Other
Couples should make positive attempts to connect with one another, whether verbally or non-verbally, and provide positive feedback when they notice these attempts. In happy relationships, couples do not ignore each other's efforts to connect, which helps ensure that the relationship is enjoyable, fun, and supportive.
4. Positive Perspective
This stage reflects how partners express their feelings about the relationship, which will be determined by the previous three stages. When couples possess positive skills and attributes regarding the first three stages, they feel more secure and positive about each other and their relationship, contributing positively to conflict management.
5. Managing Conflict
Couples often expect conflicts to be resolved or to not exist at all. When it comes to conflict, the important thing is not to completely eliminate or resolve the conflict, but to be able to discuss the issue and maintain dialogue. Many conflicts in relationships have no solution and are permanent problems. One of the distinguishing features between happy and unhappy relationships is how couples handle conflicts. If a couple continues to engage in dialogue during and after a conflict, discussing the issue, and focuses on listening, understanding, and accepting each other as they are, they move closer to becoming relationship masters.
Key Points in Conflict Management
- The more intense and high-pitched the discussion starts, the larger the conflict becomes. Starting with a language free from criticism, judgment, belittling, blame, ignoring, sulking, and cutting off interaction, and instead explaining one’s own situation and needs can provide positive contributions.
- Making reparative bids and accepting these bids are skills that prevent or reduce the intensity of the conflict.
- The ability to remain physically calm during discussions, take breaks when needed, and avoid building walls contributes to keeping the interaction at a lower intensity.
- Trying to understand and accept the partner's perspective, recognizing the effects of actions/statements on the other partner, and taking responsibility for it reduces tension.
- Understanding the partner's needs and expectations, and being flexible enough to meet halfway—i.e., compromise—becomes an option in conflict management.
6. Realizing Dreams
It is important for couples to discuss their dreams, values, wishes, goals, and the stories they bring from their individual pasts.
7. Creating Shared Meaning
Rituals of connection (anniversaries, birthdays, religious or routine special days), the ability to create shared goals, supporting each other's roles in life, and the ability to create an inclusive meaning related to culture, values, and beliefs—just like the roof of a house—are important.
8. Trust and Commitment
The strength of a building relies on its columns. In this context, trust and commitment are crucial for the longevity of the relationship. The meaning of these two concepts does not refer to the absence of third parties. Trust means that partners feel that “the other is there for me, has my back, and will catch me if I fall”; commitment expresses a mindset that “our togetherness will continue in good times and bad.” These two stages allow couples to move from “me and you” to “us.”
Summary
It is possible to be in a harmonious, enjoyable, happy, valued, loved, secure, and long-lasting relationship that grows stronger through conflicts. For this, learning and developing skills in the areas indicated by the Strong Relationship House will provide couples with a good roadmap. As therapists working with the Gottman Couple Therapy approach, we guide couples who want to strengthen their relationships.
