A journey dating back four thousand years to the love of an ancient Sumerian queen for a shepherd—this is the most tangible proof of love’s existence alongside humanity throughout history. Love songs, love legends… evidence of love's universal reality ingrained in human nature. This book serves as an answer to the question, "What makes love experienced in such a similar way throughout time?" In the book, love is defined as a visual impairment of a social being. The author expresses that love encompasses the period until the difference between the imagined and the real is understood. From the perspective of thoughts and perceptions, the book examines the definition of love, drawing attention to the polarization of themes in love-related definitions—for example, power-powerlessness, will-willlessness. However, the book emphasizes that love does not exist at one of these extremes but rather in the process between them. Another crucial point highlighted in the book is that the meanings attributed to love include subjective experiences, and what influences this feeling is not love itself but the meaning we ascribe to our subjective experiences—our thoughts. This idea can be conveyed as follows: The emotional reaction given at point C to an event that occurred at point A is actually dependent on the interpretation made at point B between A and C.
The book discusses what love evokes in individuals, referring to a state of fusion where individual differences are no longer perceived, and the "self" is lost in becoming a "we." For instance, perceiving love as a fundamental necessity—like the water we drink or the air we breathe. Additionally, the book questions the desire to prolong love and its necessity. The wish to extend love as much as possible and the belief that everything loses meaning when love ends are explored. The book suggests that believing in the existence of another emotion that can replace love after it ends reduces the need to ask, "How long does love last?" Moreover, it draws attention to the distinctions between the commonly interchanged concepts of love, lust, and affection, aiming to raise awareness of these definitions. Love and lust are described as needs, while affection is characterized as an art. In the later chapters, these concepts are carefully separated. The author, who meticulously differentiates between love and affection, also emphasizes that sometimes, what we truly love is not the person we fall in love with but the feeling of being in love. This concept is beautifully illustrated through the distinction between "I love you because I need you" and "I need you because I love you." At this point, the author does not overlook the difference between being attached to someone and being dependent on them.
When defining marriage with great precision, the author states, "Marriage is the triumph of unity over solitude," highlighting the distinction between solitude and loneliness. The book emphasizes the importance of being able to endure one's own presence before becoming someone’s spouse. In discussing the differences between men and women in relationships, the author raises awareness by asserting that difference is not contradictory to equality. The book aims to instill the understanding that equality does not require similarity. "Equality is the freedom of different genders to choose what they want to do, while difference is the freedom of men and women to choose not to do the same things." Additionally, the author explores gender differences not as absolute facts but as variables that change with circumstances. Through this perspective, the book highlights the differences in various stages of relationships (falling in love, marriage, etc.). The author attempts to depict the meaningless battle between genders in an unbiased manner through wordplay, illustrations, and humor.
When relationships do not go well, the author critiques how women tend to label themselves with a single flaw (men who hate women, women who hurt themselves, women who love too much) and reduce the failure of their relationships to a single cause. The book also emphasizes the futility of simplistic explanations for why relationships fail. The author argues that nothing has a single explanation; even if an explanation is correct, it is insufficient on its own—it may provide knowledge but not solutions. In contrast to popular books, this book presents marriage from both a societal and individual perspective and offers an objective view of the benefits of marriage while also addressing many of the challenges it brings. The goal here is not to force a choice between two options but to illustrate the inherent duality (dialectics) present in all things without making judgments.
In the section on infidelity, the author takes an unconventional approach by addressing both those who commit infidelity and those who experience it. Throughout the book, the author emphasizes that individuals and relationships are influenced by circumstances and answers the question, "Should infidelity always end a relationship/marriage?" from this perspective. The author avoids generalizations and, after defining infidelity, explores its various types to challenge the perception that all acts of infidelity are the same and stem from the same motivation. The book reiterates an earlier point: emotions are not shaped by experiences themselves but by the meanings we assign to them. This concept applies to infidelity as well—"The way a person perceives infidelity determines their emotional response to it." For instance, if someone perceives infidelity as their own fault, they will experience guilt. If they see it as their partner devaluing them, they will feel anger. The author’s main emphasis here is that the meanings assigned to infidelity often prevent individuals from seeing the full picture.
The book outlines three stages necessary for overcoming the pain caused by infidelity and encourages readers to approach this pain not as a loss but as a source of insight. The author states, "Pain shows you that there are values you care about in life, because you only suffer when you care." The three stages to overcome infidelity are as follows:
- Crisis resolution – Identifying what should and should not be done to prevent further harm to the relationship.
- Finding meaning in infidelity – The process of giving meaning to what seems incomprehensible.
- Moving forward – Acceptance and forgiveness.
Each stage is explained in detail, with examples provided.
Finally, the author, who presents everything with examples from history, literature, and science, carefully chooses words and highlights the importance of using words accurately, making this book truly unique.
Ezgi ÖZDEMİR
Clinical Psychology
